Sunday, September 13, 2009

Question: What do you think would be the worst cereal to have puked into your ass?

Well, you see, that's a tricky question. I mean, if you WANT cereal puked into your ass, that leads us in one direction, and if you DON'T want it, that leads us elsewhere. If you don't want cereal puked in your ass, well, the really mushy stuff would be bad, I would think, because it would feel really unpleasing to have mushy corn flakes in your anus.

If you DO want it puked in your ass, I'd say grape nuts is the best, followed closely by granola, because it's going to maintain its consistency even in milk. Or vomit.

Of course, you could even switch these. I mean, grape nuts could be the worst BECAUSE they don't get soggy--they could be more prone to causing irritation. Likewise, you might want the soggy stuff because it's more soothing.

Also, moving beyond pure textural aesthetics into the realm of "style" could open things up a bit in there. The type of cereal you prefer to have vomited into your anus could say a lot about who you are as a consumer. The younger, hipper crowd would go for Boo Berry, or other cereals they remember from their youth. The ultra hipsters are going to go for kitsch value--Mr. T cereal, for example, or other promotional cereals. Of course, personal taste (or lack-thereof) can also factor in. These could be expressed through regional tastes (Boo Berry is only available in certain parts of the country, for example) and even nostalgia could play a part--one could prefer to have the Safeway generic brand corn flakes vomited into ones anus, for example, because this cereal reminds one of the innocence of childhood. Conversely, the picky anus might prefer the most expensive and exclusive cereals to offset the poverty one might've experienced in one's youth (when I was a kid, says this anus, all we had for breakfast is oatmeal, and I'll be damned if oatmeal will ever cross my anus again, whether it be entering or exiting!).

There are as many reasons to vomit cereal into ones anus as there are cereals to vomit, or anuses to vomit into. The important thing to remember is that if YOU aren't happy with the cereal currently being vomited into your anus, you aren't limited to just that cereal. There are a plethora of options available to today's savvy anus.

Oatmeal appeals more to the crunchy granola types. Again, though, the main concern is consistency. Is it steel-cut oats? Rolled oats? Instant? Each of this has a different consistency, and the connoisseur would see benefits and drawbacks for each. Also, preparation of the oatmeal is a concern. Is it runny or firm oatmeal? Was milk or water used? Does it contain flavoring spices or additives such as dried fruits or nuts which can irritate or even inflame the anus? Of course, the question, here, is does one WANT the anus irritated and/or inflamed, and to what degree?

Of course, the main concern with oatmeal is what we in the community call "plastering," or "aggressive clumping," which is when the substance vomited into the anus congeals and hardens, forming a barrier and effectively sealing off the anus. Many consider this a kind of transformative event, though it is much easier to affect with oatmeal than, say, honey bunches of oats cereal. It is for this reason that many eschew oatmeal which selecting breakfast errata to be vomited into the anus.


Glenn Buttkus said...

One never knows where the Bledsoe will meander off to at any point in time. This treatise on the wonders of planet uranus, and the goodness of cereal does push the limits of focus to new heights. I must say some of the information seems credible, though kind of shitty.


CLBledsoe said...

haha. A buddy sent me the question, so I answered it.