Sunday, January 30, 2011

This is a rough sketch of the crankier side of the male psyche done in bear-form. I've spent many years studying and evaluating the test subject (i.e. me) to come to these conclusions. I hope it can be of some use to others.

1. Mumbley Bear: This describes a state of slight grouchiness stemming from such causes as sickness, hangover, or loud children. Characteristics include confusion, slight detachment, and crabby looks. Mumbley Bears are somewhat sullen and withdrawn, but not viciously so. They will communicate, but not very well. It's a bad idea to pounce on Mumbley Bears with a lot of demands or whining, especially before they've had tea or coffee and a little bit of breakfast. Once a Mumbley Bear has had a little bit of peace and quiet and some toast, they will be fit for human interaction.

2. Smart-Ass Bear: The causes of this condition vary but usually include consumption of too much alcohol along with other factors including: a rough day at work, a general feeling of unease resulting from a lack of accomplished goals, seeing some asshole succeeding when I'm stuck here in the muck, etc. This state is somewhat deceptive in that Smart-Ass Bear can appear very outgoing, though his crabbiness will make itself apparent by the nature of his jibes and comments. If given too much attention, Smart-Ass Bear will reveal his crankiness, leading to rude behavior and sullenness. Once Smart-Ass Bear has had some time to think about things, he tends to end up apologizing to everyone or just throwing up.

3. Black-Stare Bear: Almost always spurred by financial and/or job concerns, Black-Stare Bear is given to bouts of dangerously quiet introspection. It's a bad idea to let Black-Stare Bear near anything breakable, because he tends to be aggressive and clumsy. Black-Stare Bear is best sent away to perform tedious tasks so no one else has to deal with him until he gets over it. Also known as "Fuck-It Bear" or "I'm Surrounded By Assholes Bear".

4. Blood-Tooth Murder Bear: A rare but dangerous bear to be avoided at all costs. Not much is known about Blood-Tooth Murder Bear because sightings are so rare. Perhaps it is created from a fusion of traffic, bills, sexual frustration, and personal failure. Perhaps it is hormonal in nature. Regardless, Blood-Tooth Murder Bear is territorial and may attack anyone hapless enough to wander near. Blood-Tooth Murder Bear craves solitude and is, in every way, tired of your shit. Blood-Tooth Murder Bear cannot be tamed or reasoned with. He will rip your fucking throat out if you don't shut up and leave him the hell alone. No one wants to be around a Blood-Tooth Murder Bear, not even himself.


JB said...

You forgot Blood-Tooth Murder Bear With Claws On. Often sighted directly after sneak-attach blizzards into which Blood-Tooth Murder Bear was forced to go in order to make sure someone else's precious snowflake felt special and like a pretty princess at the risk of A) his own pelt and B) never being able to return to the den EVER AGAIN because NO ONE should've fucking been out in that shit, not even an ambulance! That's one scary bear, my friends!

Unknown said...

Now you need to do one on the different stages of happy bear!

Unknown said...
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CLBledsoe said...

I did forget the claws...bears are all descended from Morrisey and therefore do not feel happiness.