How to Childproof a House
1. Find a midget. Get him/her drunk to the point where s/he can only crawl around. Then, turn the midget loose on your house. Tell him there's beer or snacks or gold hidden somewhere; whatever s/he'll believe. Follow the midget around, seeing what kind of trouble s/he gets into. Then, after s/he passes out and you've called the police to remove him/her for 'breaking and entering,' all you'll have to do is follow the blood stains!
2. Invite a coworker with a baby over for dinner. They will be desperate to come for the sake of adult human interaction -- but stipulate that they have to bring the baby. Then, after the coworker has had a couple drinks, convince them to let the baby crawl/walk/run around your house. The child will find anything dangerous for you. Then, all you'll have to do is simply clean up the mess and fix all the problems the baby found! You can also use a niece or nephew for this, if you don't like the kid very much.
3. Duct tape pillows to your child. This could get expensive; duct tape doesn't grow on trees. On the plus side, you will probably be able to keep your drinking problem with this option.
4. Similar to option 2, you can substitute your own child for the coworker's child. The drawback, here, is that your child is probably going to make a mess. Or maim him/herself.
5. Remove any and all items from your home. This is the only way to be sure.