Thursday, May 08, 2014

Thoughts While Watching the 50's Drive-In "Classic" Fire Maidens of Outer Space

Well with a gripping opening like that, I'm certainly hooked enough to sit through 15 minutes of credits.
Oh wait now they're explaining everything. Phew. I was worried I wouldn't be able to figure it out.
Well, they're certainly polite.
I'm glad to see they observe the rules of the road.
Protip: if you're going to have dialogue, you should probably use a microphone.
Will she make it up the stairs?!
Ah we're such funny and wonderfully superior males!
That clock is moving real-time!
Wait a minute, that's not the same clock!
Those old-timey rockets were difficult because you had to get out and turn the crank to get them started.
This character is really torn because on the one hand, he wants to do his job, but on the other hand, for some reason, he really wants a Coke.
Why are all the astronauts wearing trench coats? Are they flashers?
Oh crap we've crashed into an Atari game!
That actor just stifled a yawn.
These guys are going really fast. They're already past the asteroid belt in like 10 minutes.
oops left the parking brake on. That's why the rocket's smoking.
Oh that's a dude-alien's voice. C-blocked!
Those two missiles just turned into a whale and a bowl of petunias!
I hope they have Mars bars. Get it? Oh wait, they're not on Mars.
Just take it nice and slow. Nice and slow. Nice and slow. Nice and slow.
Finally I can light this J up!
Finally we can find the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
They're throwing paper wads at us! Blow up the planet!!!
Everybody bunch up! I've only got one lens on this thing.
Come on you didn't think something would go wrong on the 13th moon of Jupiter?
"A woman!" *takes a picture*
"Fire a warning shot" *fires* *the screams stop* I hit her!
A space woman! Let's bang her!
Why is one guy wearing a hat?
Wait a minute. That shelf is from Ikea!
Atlantis? I knew it!
I'm with you on the "sub" not so much the "texts."
His name is Blair? What a pansy!
So if they've been on Jupiter's 13th moon all this time, they skipped over the whole "deodorant" period of human development.
If these women don't turn out to be cannibals I'm going to be really disappointed with this movie.
Daddy just likes to watch.
Who's playing the flute?
Those guys are probably just banging a bunch of space chicks. Let's stay out here and admire the foliage.
Did that fern just growl at me?
A student just asked me if she could bring a guinea pig to class.
I'm really glad they added rolley chairs to the space ship. They're so comfortable!
Time for a smoke.
Wake up, time for me to eat you! I mean, breakfast!
Here, have a glass of my urine. It will make you docile and give you a shiny coat.
I like it when chicks don't talk too much.
Are they on the same page of the script?
I'm okay with a little enslavement of women, if it means I get some.
I'm pretty sure that's Hemingway.
Oh sorry, we call them "concubines"
That fern definitely has a cold.
Is that alien in blackface?
No one will be allowed admittance to the theater during the riveting walking across an entire field sequence.
I think the monster represents the unrestrained male libido. Of course, I think every aspect of this movie represents that.
I'm pretty sure this guy is banging his daughters and leaving his male children to be taken by the white walkers.
Wait a minute why are these guys suddenly Australian?
Okay I'm nearly an hour in and I haven't seen any fire.
OMFreakingG it's a tree!!!!
Meanwhile, back in Hollywood.
Tickle fight!
Strippers are here.
No, your other left.
I'm starting to suspect there isn't going to be a shower scene,
Poor monster has hay fever
And....okay that was just a shot of a leaf. Huh.
The leopard print sheets show how advanced this culture truly is.
I'm pretty sure this movie is where Kevin Bacon learned all his dance moves.
The actors started laughing when they saw the monster!
Um so she was totally unfazed by the gas grenade that killed the monster?
Hey, hey, hey, we can't leave now! What about all the other chicks?
Well I'm glad they tied everything up nice and neat with absolutely no plot holes.
* * *

Friday, March 28, 2014

Some flash things I won't be collecting into a book

Sea People
The ad in the back of the comic book said Sea People. He thought it was strange, because he remembered those kinds of ads and they were for sea monkeys, not people. And they weren’t even that, they were shrimp. Brine shrimp. He’d read that somewhere or seen it on TV. He thought maybe it was a new marketing gimmick, an angle, so he sent in five bucks.

Two days later the package came. It was one of those puffy envelopes. Inside, there was another envelope and inside of that, another, and inside of that, a packet like what comes with instant soup and a card. The card said “Add Water” so he took it inside and poured it into a soup mug and added water. Nothing happened so he poured it down the sink.

That night, he remembered that he hadn’t seen it on TV after all, he’d ordered them before, when he was a child. His parents wouldn’t let him have a pet so he’d ordered sea monkeys to fill the void. Nothing had happened that time when he’d added water either. He began to think he might be cursed. He no longer read comic books on the metro. Instead, he began a study of math.

-CL Bledsoe (originally ran in Clockwise Cat)

* * *

A Good Thing

He thought there were fish in the trees. He could see the sun glinting on their scales. He never smelled them, though, so he knew they weren’t dead. All day at work, he stared out the window—he could just see them over the top of his cubicle—until Jen came and told him they needed for him to switch desks with Tim (since Tim was out) while maintenance repaired the air vent just over his desk. He sat in misery—really, it was worse than the other day when he’d typed something especially vitriolic on his blog and waited for the fallout. All week, he waited, until they finished the repairs. Then, he heard that Tim wasn’t coming back. He knew he couldn’t ask them to move him back. Besides, he had an actual office now. Wasn’t that a good thing?

-CL Bledsoe (originally ran in Caper)

* * *

The House
When he was young, his parents never let him leave the house. He knew no one who wasn't part of the household, and on the rare occasion they took him out, he was afraid. But he explored the delicious comfort of the familiar. The carpet was full of crocodiles, the closets, full of monkeys swinging between his father's shirts, the rooms full of memories and ghosts. He felt that it was better to know one place completely than to know bits of many.
As he grew older, he went to school and made friends, but rarely left the house otherwise. The friends came over and sat with him, talking long hours in the comfort of his familiarity. In their own homes, they grew disinterested with the toys, the video games, the rooms they inhabited, and spent more and more time with him. Some mornings, he'd wake to find several of them sitting on the couch out in the living room, talking, reading, surprised to see him as though he were a guest, until he felt crowded out of the house. He began to leave more and more often, graduated high school and moved far away. He hardly saw the friends anymore, except on the rare holiday when he came to visit the house, feeling awkward as a stranger, and found them, clustered on the couch, the loveseat, lying on his old bed, looking pale as though unused to the sun, and comfortable.