Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Some Funny Things that Originally Ran in Cautionary Tales

Unused Catch-phrases from My Uncle's Failed Novelty Button Manufacturing Business
CL Bledsoe

Blind people do it with feeling.
I heart tofu.
Picture of a baby coming out of a behind above the phrase: "I heart my crack baby"
My other body's a Porsche.
When you're tired of Texas, you're tired of life.
Kiss my ash, I smoke.

* * *

Things I'd Like to Ask the Girl in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" Video
CL Bledsoe

Have you seen the Halloween episode of "Growing Pains" where Mike gets lost and falls in love with a dead girl?
Did you like that show?
Didn't you think Mike's sister Carroll was kind of cute, in a nerdy kind of way?
Not even a little?
You know, you kind of look like Carroll?
No, I know you're not, but the resemblance is definitely there. I wonder what she's doing now. Have you seen her around?
No? That's cool I guess.
The mom was kind of hot too. What was her name? Maggie?
How'd she end up married to that psychiatrist guy? What a dork.

* * *

Tom Cruise Delivers a Speech to the Cat Fanciers of America Annual Dinner
by CL Bledsoe

Thanks for having me. The first thing I want to talk about is cats. Get to the meat, right? That's what the check is for. That's why I'm here. So cats, to me, are like, well they're like, they remind me of when I was a young man. See, when I was a young man, I thought I was short, oh, excuse me, (makes quotation mark gestures) "vertically challenged." I thought I was less tall than other men, but then I had the opportunity to study with a wonderful man who taught me that I'm really very tall for my size. He taught me that Napoleon was only, well, he was something less than five feet, I don't have the numbers with me. But five feet, I'm taller than that. I mean, come on, and he conquered the world, right?

And Genghis Khan, same thing, he conquered China, right? Look, I know history. You might not know history, you might not have the training, the study that I have, is all I'm saying. You want to talk short? Abraham Lincoln? Wore platforms. I don't need that. Who needs that? Abe did. Old honest Abe. Right? He freed the slaves but he couldn't free his mind from the tyranny of self-doubt. But I have, okay? With the help of a certain man, I'll just go ahead, I'll just say it's L. Ron Hubbard. Because, really, if you're not into L. Ron Hubbard, if you've got something against scientology, then fuck you, really. Fuck you. Okay?
You know what? Katie? Where are you. We're going. If that's how they want to act. You know, I came here of my own volition, to try to educate people on some things, some important things, okay? But really I can see I'm wasting my time.

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