Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Things To Consider Before Moving To New York

1. Eat plenty of citrus. A diet of $1 pizza slices and EZ-Mac can lead to scurvy which makes it difficult to type (this is especially damaging for Executive Assistants).

2. Bears go ga-ga for lip gloss. More New Yorkers are eaten by bears than die in subway crashes. Which is a lot.

3. Not all New Yorkers are foreigners. Or, at least, many of them speak English as a second language.

4. It’s very rare that street musicians are actually Joshua Bell. This almost never happens. Usually, they’re escaped mental patients or foreigners. See #3.

5. Just because everything is filthy and overpriced, the people are miserable, and you’re probably already being murdered doesn’t mean New York isn’t a fun place. You have to keep an open mind.

6. If we’ve learned only one thing from Crocodile Dundee, it’s get a bigger knife.

7. Yes Central park is nice, but the other 8 million New Yorkers know that too. So they’ll all be there. Refer to #6.

8. New York offers opportunities to do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to afford to do any of them.

9. It never rains in New York. (Actually it does, but homeless people steal the water before it hits the ground.)

10. Don’t worry about being an outsider; no one is actually ‘from’ New York. Except the bears. And they ate everyone who was born there. Which is why no one’s actually ‘from’ there.


Michael Offutt, Phantom Reader said...

Oh my. This is very funny. I've never been to New York but I need to pass this on to those who presently live there and have survived the bears.

A.J. Locke said...

Lol I live in NYC, this is funny, and so true haha

CLBledsoe said...