25 Things To Do Instead of Writing
1. Start an acoustic cover band of GG Allin.
2. Hit “Random Article” on Wikipedia until I find something interesting. Tell yourself this is “research.”
3. Google people I used to know to see if they’ve been arrested for anything interesting.
4. Search for clips of turtles having sex with shoes on Youtube.
5. Go for a walk, come back to my car, and then drive to Popeye’s and order all the chicken.
6. Watch things on Netflix I’d have never watched under any other circumstances.
7. Instead of writing what I’m supposed to, write something else.
9. Come up with interesting and unusual ways to make money, for example: shaving advertisements into dog or cats.
10. Make a list of things I should do and then get bored and watch TV.
11. Find the list stuck down in a sofa cushion three weeks later and do some of them.
12. Read over things I wrote a long time ago and marvel at how good/bad they are.
13. Google myself to see if anyone’s said anything about me.
14. Read the entire series of XKCD.
15. Dabble at becoming a cartoonist even though I can’t draw.
16. Wander around, annoying people.
17. Go on Facebook and desperately look for someone to interact with.
18. Go back on Facebook to see if anyone’s posted anything interesting in the last two minutes.
19. Read unusual news stories for “research.”
20. Google the strangest combinations of words you can find to see if they’re actually slang terms for weird sex acts. Become delighted when you find some.
21. Read work by other writers you’re jealous of and target journals that have published them and send your best work. When it’s rejected, eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting. Spend the next several minutes in the bathroom because you don’t do well with dairy.
23. Decide that enough is enough: it’s time for a new wardrobe. Shop for new clothes online. Add hundreds of dollars worth to your shopping cart but then change your mind and X out before buying anything.
24. Translate your name into binary.